Dear Self, Its been a while...

I hit the 10 pound mark yesterday!  Woot!  And then proceeded to eat Jack in the Box after weigh in, and then tapas for dinner with Orran and Mom and Dad.

I feel sort of neutral about it, because on my LAST try at WW, I would have not even tried to add up the damage from a free-for-all like that.

*Ahem* New me alert: I not only did the horrid math, I held myself accountable and actually took the overages away from my weekly balance.  How's that for accountability?!?!?  Go me, go me!

Anywhoo, seems like this 10 pounds has a whole bunch tied to it. Emotionally, anyways.  I feel like Im finding myself again.  I knew I was in there this whole time, but sometimes I like to hide behind things.  Oh hey, like food!

It feels really good to be practicing what I have been preaching: time to make a change.  I am still eating Taco Bell.  I am still having beers at concerts.  I am just not eating 3 people's worth of food.

So, from my last post, the goal is 45 pounds, one pound at a time.  It feels amazing to say that I only have 34.6 to go before I meet my goal.  10 - 1lb babies I no longer have to carry with me.  Yea boiiiiiiiii.

I decided to do some reading lately, and canyoustayfordinner.com came across my lil eyeballs.  It is the best.thing.evar.  I highly reccommend it.

As to the title of this week's post, I feel like I'm starting to find myself again.  And really not care for anyone that chooses to stand in my way. 

45 pounds.

Time to change some ways of thinking.  I have a goal, a means to the 'end' of this WLJ.  45 seems like a good number.  When I actually get there, it will be a nice neener-neener to all the people that told me I would be fat if I weighed over 110 pounds.  I think I can look pretty damn good at 130.  And healthy too. 

I'm going to get there...one pound at a time.  A re-focus is in order.  Each pound shall be a victory.  One less I have to lose, and one less I willingly did not gain.  P+ has been so-so in the easy department for me.  Down 7.2 so far, with 1.3 to go before I hit my 5% goal.  The 6 weeks I have been on WW has passed already, and still would have even if I wasnt OP.  Might as well make the most of it.

This is also my new mantra for life.  Time to focus on the things and people that make me happy, instead of the ones who constantly bring me down.  No more wasted tears, no more wasted energy on those who dont waste anything on me.  I know I'm worth it, O knows I'm worth it, and if anybody else has a problem with that, they can suck it.  *insert obscene gesture here*

Life is too short to worry about things that dont really matter.  Time to focus on what actually does.  I want to fit into a dream wedding dress.  I want to finally be able to tell O "Im ready to wear a dress now" and to start that next chapter in my life. 

I hope the world is ready for all I have in store.....

Help! I've fallen and I cant get up!!!

Well, not literally, anyways.

I decided not to weigh in on Friday after all, and after the damage I did in Pismo, I didnt weigh in on Monday either.  As long as I lose SOMETHING this week, I'll consider it a success.

I sometimes wish I had the magic Fat Fairy who could come and make all my chubb dissappear.  But I also am beginning to wonder if its more the journey of "finding myself" that matters more than actually being thin.  Will all my problems solve themselves when I am skinny?  Nope.  I'll still have a truck payment and I will still love ice cream.

After Pismo I had a hard day on Monday.  It was difficult to get up and get back on track.  Ate 2 P+ over plan, and I'm tryinnnnnggggggg not to eat any WP's this week since I did so bad at the beach. 

It amazes me how one or two off days can totally undermine the last 4 weeks worth of work.  And I realize I will suffer with this 'fat person' syndrome forever.  Man, I'd really love to be able to eat whatever I want and not worry about my weight.  Maybe I should be careful what I wish for.

169.8 and Pismo...

Yee Haw!!!!  Out of the 170's for **hopefully** the last time!  I lost 1.6 lbs this week, for a total loss of 4.2.  I'll take it.  Hey, slow and steady wins the race, right???

Debating whether or not to weigh in on Friday this week or Monday next week.  Pismo coming up this weekend, and honestly, I'm not really looking forward to it.  Too much family drama in the making over the last few weeks.

Really sucks when the person who is supposed to be your friend is the one who you dont wanna even be around right now.  And since she and O are friends... its like double trouble.  Blech.  Seems like a waste to talk to her about my feelings, but I guess I have to do it for Orran's sake.  Really makes daily life uncomfortable.  When your friend puts you down for schtuff all the time... makes me REALLY not want to tell her anything.  And actually, I'm ok with doing my own thing right now.  Takes some of the pressure off of me to spend time around them.

Post Wisdom Teeth...

So its been a full week and a few days since the dreaded extractions.  I kept my teeth, apparently asking the surgeon several times to save them for me.  I have no recollection of this... Bizzarre.

I feel ok.  Still not back to myself.  I am really not a fan of change, disruptions, inconsistencies in my daily life.  I dont like not feeling like myself, and not being able to participate in my own life.  I was off work for a week, but I feel like I missed that whole week.  I dont remember much of it, and it definitely sure wasnt much of a vacation.  Oh well I suppose.

Orran was working overnights the week before my teeth were pulled, then I was home alone, and this week has been focused on getting back on track at work, at home and at WW.  Feel sort of out of touch with things.  Feel distant from Orran, and I really dont like that.  Snapped at him yesterday for dumb things.  Things that in the big picture, dont even matter.  I really need to get my schtuff together and stop treating people this way.  Would probably make our relationship better in the end.

So, I end my post today feeling bad about my actions yesterday, and ready for life to settle back into the norm.  I am ready to be myself again.

Kid Rock and Sheryl Crow tonight.  Goal is to not drink any beer.  Lord, if only that was possible....

Stuffed Mushrooms

These were yummy!  5 P+ for 5 medium sized mushrooms.

2 pkgs button mushrooms, washed
1/2 c italian seasoned bread crumbs
1/2 c shredded parmesan cheese
1/4 c extra virgin olive oil
2 tsp minced garlic
2 tsp worchestershire
1/4 c shredded mozzarella

Pre-heat oven to 400.  Stem mushrooms, and place stems in food processor.  Coarsely chop stems.  Combine all ingredients but mozzarella.  Stuff mushrooms with mixture, and place on baking sheet.  Bake for 20 minutes.  Remove from oven, top mushrooms with mozzarella, and put back in the oven for 5 more minutes or until cheese is melty and bubbly.

Nom nom nom.

I guess it really is bothering me...

LOL I just realized that yesterday's post was about my wisdom teeth.  It must be really bothering me, because that is what I wanted to write about today.  1 day closer to surgery... Hopefully it will be easy peasy.

Wisdom Teeth :( :( :(

Ok, kids.  I'll admit it... I'm afraid of the dentist!  So afraid, in fact, I think I'd rather have my leg broke than have my teeth cleaned.

I've been putting off having my wisdoms out since I was 16 (I'm almost 25, so you do the math).  They've finally flared up enough to where I dont have a choice, and they must go!

I'm scared senseless.  I teared up on the way home yesterday just thinking about it.  I have dreams about my teeth being pulled, and I wake myself up with apprehension.  Tuesday morning is rapidly approaching, and I want to chicken out SOOOOO bad.  But I must not.  I must be an adult.  Yeesh.

C25K

Well, ok so the C25K part isnt really a rant....

I started day 1 yesterday!  Orran is working a 6pm-2:30am shift this week at work.  On the one hand, its really sucky.  I dont see him before he leaves for work, and I wont sleep until he gets home.  On the other hand, I was amazed at how much extra time I had last night while I was alone.  I was able to do laundry, tidy up the house, do some recycling, start C25K and watch the Kings Speech!  (Awesome movie, BTW).

I love my Orran to pieces.  He's my world.  But I totally realized how much of my daily routine is consumed by him... Whether we are actually "doing" stuff or just hanging out.  I NEED him to find an hour or two a day to do his thing, so I dont feel bad about doing mine.  Or, if his thing = my thing (aka C25K), that would be fine too.

Maybe a goal will be to run a 5k by my birthday in November?  Hmmmmm....

Day 4 of WW...

I'm baaaaaaaaack!  Weight Watchers and I have this love / hate relationship.  I love it when I've got the motivation to move forward, and hate it when I see all the women walking out of a meeting and I'm afraid to even step foot in the door....

So, I guess here's to try #489789453189471 at losing weight.  Up until Saturday this past week, I've woken up every morning on a diet and ended up in failure every night.  Today is day 4 of what I **hope** will be my final beginning.  So far so good. 

In all honesty, I don't see myself getting to goal yet.  But that's like 40 pounds from now anyways.  For now, I am focusing on the 5%:  9lbs.  Baby steps, right?

I'm not writing this blog for anybody but me.  Maybe seeing my thoughts and feelings staring back at me will give me the motivation to move forward.  So world, here you go:  My starting weight this time around was 174 lbs.  Yeesh.  Allll the weight I had lost is right back on.  Awesome.

At 24, I've graduated college with 2 bachelor's degrees, have a house, a great job, brand new truck, a great family and boyfriend.  I have all the things anybody could ever ask for, except for a healthy body and self esteem.  Maybe I'm hiding behind the stuff?  Maybe all the goals and achievements I have reached have been a mask for what is really bothering me?  I dont know.  But I am prepared to find out this time around.

Its time to stop feeling bad about taking care of myself.  The time is going to pass anyway, whether I do something about ME or not.  Might as well give it a go.

So, fellow weight watchers:  it begins.  I'll make it a goal to write in once a week, even if its just a sentence.  Maybe I'll learn something about myself during this process I didn't already know.